Notes from an inexperienced Chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, wht the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili. Great Kick.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting drain cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting stupid from all the beer.
CHILI #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; coyote-ugly gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To heck with those rednecks!
CHILI #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I messed in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like turds to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: Lester's Last of the Red-Hot Lover's Chili
Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New York,
Washington DC, Pittsburgh and all Amercicans that are hurting in this
tragic time. You can rest assured that anything and everything that can
be done to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the
greatest country in the world and we will get through this trying time.
Now is the time for all people to set aside our petty difference and
show the world that no one can destroy the fortitude of the American
To the people responsible for todays tragedy, I say this:
Are you fucking kidding me?? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped to
tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not know who you
are fucking with?
Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each other every day.
We will relish the opportunity for new targets for our aggression. Have
you forgotten history?
What happened to the last people that started fucking around with us?
Remember those little, yellow bastards over in Japan? We slapped them
all over the pacific and roasted about two million of them, in their own
backyard. That's what we in America call a "big ass barbecue"! Ever seen
Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big?
Because we wanted it that way. Mexico started screwing around with the
alamo and now they cut our lawns. England? We sent them packing.
Ask your buddy Sadam about fucking with the good 'ole USA. The only
reason he got away the first time, is because it's too hard to shoot
someone when you're doubled over laughing at them. Out soldiers aren't
trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now, he couldn't stop a
pack of cub scouts from taking over his little country.
Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead and
try to hide, Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain
high enough that's going to keep your camel riding asses safe.
We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his camps and
any place that looks he was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs
on people who have pissed us off in the past. This is America!! We kick
ass!! This is what we do. Go ahead laugh now. The tomahawks are comming
and we will smoke your sorry assess off the planet.
God Bless America!
Good Ole Texas
Texans needn't fear O'Sammy Been Lodding or Sodamn Insane. Shucks, they>ain't nothing. As a Texan for more than 60 years and an honorably
discharged veteran, I'm getting a big laugh over the statements of O'Sammy
Been Lodding, Sadam, the Taliban, our politicians and the media.
They talk of what to expect from terrorists, but we Texans have lived
with greater dangers for years and survived. I'll bet O'Sammy has never seen a
Texas tornado that levels homes and pee! ls up the asphalt on the roads.
How about hailstones as big as golf balls, or a blue norther that drops the
temperature 40 degrees in minutes?
O'Sammy has probably seen 100-plus-degree summers in Afghanistan, but I
bet he doesn't have fire ants. He and his buddies talk about the pain and suffering they're going to inflict upon us. He doesn't know what pain is
until he gets kicked by a green-broke, 2-year-old colt in the dead of
You've heard of anthrax. I've been around cattle for years and have
never seen a case, but I have seen "mad cow disease." Every old mama cow that we worked, and separated from her calf, got mad.
They talk of germ warfare.. Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain spotted fever and Lymes disease, and our mosquitoes seem to be direct
descendants of woodpeckers.
We have blister beetles that can kill! your horse and green bugs that
will destroy a wheat crop . West Texas prairie dogs carry the plague, our
armadillos carry leprosy, and skunks carry rabies. Maybe we should send
over a few of our varmints and show the Taliban what the word terror really
Texas has goat-heads, cactus, mesquite, honey locust thorns, bull nettle
and poison ivy. Everything that grows in our pastures will either stick
you or stab you. I'll bet O'Sammy has never seen a cottonmouth water moccasin, a diamondback rattler or a copperhead. We have squadrons of yellow jackets and bumblebee bombers. Have you ever stepped on a Texas scorpion in your bare feet?
O'Sammy talks of gas and biological warfare. He has never pulled in
behind a cattle truck while it's raining, or ridden in the cab of a pickup truck
between two other cowboys after they've! just eaten a big bowl of Texas red.
No, O'Sammy, you and all your buddies can't terrorize Texas or Texans.
If you think you can, come on over. You will find out right quick why we buy
U.S. tools made by Ruger, Colt, Remington and Smith & Wesson. We load them
with U. S. products made by Winchester, Remington, Speer and Federal. We
use these tools on varmints; and for protection.
We also buy US tools made by Case, Buck and Schrade. We use these tools
to change ornery bulls into calm steers and rank studs into gentle
geldings. We call this an "attitude adjustment." We have an abundance of good tools in Texas, and we know how to use them.
Texans, and my kinfolk have dealt with your kind for hundreds of years.
The fact that I'm here tells me that we can survive. We have posted signs
all over the state that say, !
"Don't Mess With Texas" - Consider yourself warned!