True story from a Texas woman: I am a medical student currently doing a
in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into t he
emergency room right away.
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
She said...You wear shorts, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two
inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I
lay on the sofa and sleep."
4) He said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
and the number 1 "He said...She said"..
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
IT IS ME, THE BEAUTY QUEEN FROM DALLAS
DURING THE FORTIES --------------------------------------
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT????????
You May Be A Redneck If...
...you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
...you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
...your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
...you know what's a Hindu --- it lays eggs.
...you burn your yard rather than mow it.
...you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
...you have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
...you come back from the dump with more than you took.
...the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
...you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
...your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
...your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
...you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
...you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
...you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
...you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
...you took a fishing pole to Sea World.
...you go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
...you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
...your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
...you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
...you consider your license plate personalized because your uncle made it
...you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
...your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take
the wheels off.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I love the Dixie Chicks"....
"I'm a vegetarian"....
"I voted for Al Gore"....
"George Strait stinks!"....
"Hillary in 2004!".... and......
"I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Dallas ALIVE, wins.