One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the
street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened RayBan Sunglasses and stared directly at this
nosey bitch and then calmly replied,
"I am, that's why SHE cuts the grass."


How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?   
  Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

  Why don't women blink during foreplay?
  They don't have time.

  Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
  They don't stop and ask for directions.

  What do men and sperm have in common?
  They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human

  How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
  He buys two cases of beer.

  What is the difference between men and government bonds?
  The bonds mature.

   Why are blonde jokes so short?
   So men can remember them.

  How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?   
  We don't know; it has never happened.

  Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
  good looking?
  They all already have boyfriends.

  What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
  A widow.

  When do you care for a man's company?
  When he owns it.

   Why are married women heavier than single women?
  Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
  Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

  How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
  His hand caught fire.

  How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
  Put the remote control between his toes.

  What did God say after creating man?
  I must be able to do better than that.

  What did God say after creating Eve?
  Practice makes perfect.

  How are men and parking spots alike?
  Good ones are always taken.
  Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.

   What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
  They're married.

   Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
   God says: "So you would love her."
   "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
   God says: "So she would love you. "

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either
to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were
by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the
was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is
inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of hiscar. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter
the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a
bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said,
"Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he
the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first
bandit shot him.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The
event was caught on videotape.
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked nto a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
True story from a Texas woman: I am a medical student currently doing a
in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into t he
emergency room right away.

10) He said...  I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said...You wear shorts, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...  It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said...  Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said...  'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two
inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said...  "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea....  you stand by the ironing board while I
lay on the sofa and sleep."

4) He said...  'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said...  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said...  Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light

and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said...  Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

DURING THE FORTIES --------------------------------------
Click for Dallas, TX Forecast
You May Be A Redneck If...

...you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
...you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
...your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
...you know what's a Hindu --- it lays eggs.
...you burn your yard rather than mow it.
...you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
...you have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
...you come back from the dump with more than you took.
...the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
...you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
...your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
...your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
...you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
...you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
...you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
...you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
...you took a fishing pole to Sea World.
...you go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
...you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
...your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
...you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
...you consider your license plate personalized because your uncle made it 

...you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
...your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take
the wheels off.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas.  Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

           "I'm gay"....
           "I love the Dixie Chicks"....
           "I'm a vegetarian"....
           "I voted for Al Gore"....
           "George Strait stinks!"....
           "Hillary in 2004!".... and......
            "I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Dallas ALIVE, wins.