TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10th- "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!- Noah, 4314 BC
9th- "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
8th- "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo, 1566
7th- "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th- "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"- Picasso, 1926
5th- "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th- "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938
3rd- "What the @#$% was that?"- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd- "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!"- JFK, 1963
And.....DRUM ROLL........
THE number ONE most appropriate time for using the "F" word.........
"Aw c'mon, who the @#$% is going to find out?- Bill Clinton, 1997
Subject: justice
A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot
and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side
of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas
Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly
when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "Okay, you old coot...... now it's my turn!!"
(I love this..........)
The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the Word "service" . . . the act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations . . . . And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM!!
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing for us!
Texas Women
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Penn. and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed done at their house.
He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that
he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his
house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry
washed. And this was all her responsibility.
He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he
didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Got to love Texas Women!
A Texas man went to the Baptist church and asked to join. The preacher
said "OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first."
The question is, "Where was Jesus born?" The man thought a minute and
said, "Longview." The preacher said, "Sorry, you can't join our church."
So, he went down the road to a Pentecostal church and asked to join.
The preacher said, "We'd love to have you but you have to pass a Bible
test first.
Where was Jesus born?" The man said quickly, "Tyler." The preacher
said, "No way can you join our church."
Sooo... he goes to the Methodist church and asked if he could join.
The preacher said, "That's great, we welcome you." The man said, "I
don't have to pass a Bible test first?" The preacher said, "No."
The man said, "Can I ask you a question then? Where was Jesus born?"
The preacher said, "Palestine." The man mumbled to himself, "I knew it
