(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a
men's restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you
entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to
him. Hell, we do that all
the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what
were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee,
and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by
now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own.
A guy can go
into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet,
and his penis will still manage to piss all over
the roll of toilet paper,
down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm
telling 'ya those little
buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me
trained. I'm no longer allowed
to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had
gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because
I forgot to put the
seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to
talk about, but because
you and I have become such good friends and you
think I'm a classy guy, I
might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded
"morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A
tremendous desire to pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how
hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend,
and if it don't bend you
can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no
choice but to piss all
over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat
cover you women insist
on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy
toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So
that means we have to u
one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other
hand to try to control
ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I
know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the
toilet seat with that
damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing
until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to
pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without
warning that damn toilet
seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a
fuzzy, it's just not safe. I
tried to delicately explain this morning situation
to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down
like I told you to do all
the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on
the toilet with
"morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the
toilet seat, and before I
could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall
across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down
and you can get it
forced down under the toilet seat, when you start
to pee, the pee shoots
out from the crack between the bottom of the
toilet seat and the top of
the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees
and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy
horseshoe rug you keep
putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal
with this morning urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
laying over the toilet
seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect
balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all
the pee in the bowl during
the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are
not totally to blame. We
are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but
there are times when things just get beyond our
control.
